#33 EX1 LOGLINES

EX1: TELLING STORIES FOR THE SCREEN...
STORIES BASED ON A TRUE-LIFE, NEWS STORY

my general comments: 
loglines should tell me (and you) what your story is about & whose story is to be presented on screen. so, the logline should always contain the key character and his/her motive so that you can always focus on this info to tell your story.

use the 3Act Structure to tell your story for the screen:
Act 1 - establish key character + motive (plant important info to help tell your story)
Act 2 - key character struggles with motive (use events & situations to show struggle)
Act 3 - key character resolves motive (motive can be achieved or not achieved)

tip: learn to differentiate between writing about an event compared to writing a story. so what is the difference? an event is the situation... a story involves a key character, trapped in an event/situation, struggling to achieve his motive.

i've put up some stories by your classmates 
to show you how they told their stories for Ex1... 
Link: http://storyscript2012.blogspot.sg/2013/04/34-ex1-stories.html


DM2C

1. Barnabas - http://www.waking-th3-demon.blogspot.com
- Peter, wander ghost who could not rest in peace wants to kill the murderer (Jack)

Based on your storyline, JACK is your key character & info = JACK is jealous of PETER over jane, bullies PETER

2. Tio - http://granyt92.wordpress.com/
- Asmad Sudikhin, a blue-collar worker who stay in the suburbs area of Jakarta experienced a terrible flood while his wife, Junaedah Sudikhin is sick and he needs to get the medicine but the government hasn’t give any help yet

>> Asmad Sudikhin, who travels to Jakarta to buy medicine to save his wife, meets his former childhood girlfriend and must choose if he should stay with her or return to his wife.

3. Jason - jasonstorytelling.blogspot.com
- The daughter of a popular action film actor has been kidnapped, now it’s time for some “real life action” to rescue his daughter.
>> motive should be to rescue his daughter so that he can continue to have lunch with her. your story sounds fun! 

4. Karrina - captainparis.blogspot.sg
- A girl named Li Hua had to save a wolf by telling the truth to her father who believe that his son is killed by it
the story and 3Act seem to work. so your biggest challenge is to tell your story (present it on screen) with more action, "excitement" and to display memorable moments of emotion/conflict/drama.

5. Khai - http://weeklylifeofaguy.blogspot.sg
- A beautiful talented ballet dancer expecting her lover to come for her first ever live performance
according to the way you've told your story, the key character is Fasue, the guy who must rush to the theatre to watch his love perform (as that's what she really wants him to do for her). 

6. Laura - http://f11dm1343.blogspot.sg/
- A skunk and rabbit couple who want to get married in just a week must go through a day of bad luck.
i see the many improvements you & your team have made in your story (from Ex1 to Ex2). well done! :)))

7. Danielle - http://daniellelean.tumblr.com
- A teenager’s journey struggling with studies, work and family issues because of poverty.
your story is about a teenager who resorts to stealing from her workplace to lessen her struggle to provide food and shelter for her mother and herself. danielle, your research is awesome/insightful and there are so many "untold" stories that is just waiting to be featured on screen! your story could have a little more drama... to talk about all the various the issues that i've read in your research.

8. Martin - http://homusns.blogspot.sg/
- A child soldier is haunted by his past
your logline only shows an event/situation, motive seems missing... so what will he do about it? that's your story...

(excerpt from your storyline >> ) While on an assignment, where he (a child soldier) tries to storm a base on his own (this is a MOTIVE!!!) as usual to kill a insurgent leader by disguising as one of their troops, he triggers an hidden explosive device on a door handle and dies in the explosion >> this sounds like your screenplay. All info/ events written before this sentence, is called the backstory…

oh btw i see improvements in storytelling/3Act (comparing Ex1 and Ex2). Well done!

9. Alvin - http://tell-a-story-write-a-script.blogspot.sg
- (Late) - The souls of 2 recently deceased brothers have to find out the truth behind their death, and stop their parents from acting on their revengeful impulse and committing the unthinkable.
it's a great story Alvin! it is a pity your work was submitted late. in future, please make sure you hand up your work on time! and use the template...

10. PingTing - http://liupingting1991.blogspot.sg/
- Su Lin falls all his exams this year, he tries his best to keep his parents away from this bad news, or he will be beaten badly, but his teacher Mr. Wu keeps trying to inform his parents as well, a war starts between them and who will be the winner?
PingTing, the key character in your story has a simple motive and that works well. so your biggest challenge is to make Act2 interesting for audience to keep watching your screenplay. i see lots of improvements in the storytelling (comparing Ex1 & Ex2), well done! in this exercise, your 3Act needs to be corrected... please see my notes on the 3Act at the top of this page.

11. Samuel - http://sceenplayandstoryboarding.blogspot.sg

- Mum ties son out of good intention (David Kim a 4 years old boy had been tie to the sofa by his mum. David crying profusely therefore his neighbor called the police. Sergeant Lim arrives check out the details what had happen. Sergeant Lim call locksmith to open the door to check out the David, sergeant Lim asks David why is he tying to the sofa. Mrs Kim came home was shocked to see two policemen was at her house. Sergeant Lim confront Mrs Kim for more details. After getting in to situation Sergeant Lim knows that it’s a misunderstanding.)
I see an event here and that the key character is not Mrs Kim. I’d say your key character could be Sergeant Lim or Madam Tan. Ask whose story is this so you know how to tell your story from that angle.


12. Zul - www.zulqarnainzulkiflee.blogspot.com
- It is about a young Borneo man striving to save the endangered pygmy elephants from being hunted
Nice, your 3Act works great! Story sounds good too. your challenge is how to present a 5min screenplay using this story... 

13. Cynthia - www.nangchomarmyint.blogspot.com
Because of these selfish people, because of their own advantage, Max lost his hope , his life, his family and everything. you've described the event/situation, what is Max's motive, ie what will he do about this situation? ok just read the storyline... well, you need to establish the key character - whose story is this? is it Max's mother telling the story or his sister or the doctor? 

14. Nikita - nickyinwriting.wordpress.com
- A Balinese lawyer must save an old British woman from the death sentence, who smuggled 4.7 kg of cocaine to save her children from drug dealers.
nice! love the drama! well done :) Your challenge would be > how will you present this story in a 5 min screenplay? oh btw: your climax and resolution needs correction...

15. Hasanah - aureatepropinquity.tumblr.com
- A best selling Children’s Book Author, Lily Zhong recaps how her characters from her works saved her life and helped her gain her success in an interview
you have a very motivating and inspiring story just waiting to be told… your challenge is to tell your story with this screenplay… you’ll need to add more “action” and use the strengths of a screenplay better (visuals & audio). You can still use the interview as your story link/ treatment, but the interview should be brief and we need to add some “screen excitement” to make sure the audience enjoy and appreciate your story a lot more.

16. Quinn - http://quinnallen.blogspot.sg/
- A single dad and his daughter are trying to move on with their life after a flood who take away the life of their family members.
Act2 needs to show the father struggling to help his daughter overcome her grief... and if the daughter is 13 years old, she needs to act like a typical 13 year old :p your story has potential to be touching. try to create scenes/situations where your viewers will cry or be touched by being more involved in the story.

17. Wenting - http://storyscriptnotes5683.blogspot.sg
- A mother breaks through out of her depression after the death of her two young sons
Wenting, i've only received one attempt in blackboard and your work is not completed. i visited your blog and there is nothing updated or backed up there. i'm sorry, you will need to be more careful and work harder on submitting your completed work on time in future. and please, use your blog or any online tools to help backup all your hard work.

18. Vania - http://hahaworld93.blogspot.sg
A retirement Japanese sniper named Toshiki who tries to assassinate the China ministry in order to protect part of his country island.
Vania, you need to work at telling your story using the screen. 

19. Kelvin - http://storyboarb.blogspot.sg/
2 people stranded in a war zone trying to get out.
2 people reporters Tom Lin and Rin Lee are stranded in a War Zone and are working together to get to safety. you need to work on your 3Act, especially act2. focus on the motive...

20. Yoshua - wisebirdnest.wordpress.com
- Valentin must fight his fear of death so that he can fly to China for the sake of his business
your story has some suspenseful and tense moments. enjoyed reading it but i think the end is missing a good twist or a more exciting/unexpected closure.

21. Soeun - http://trytheceation.tumblr.com/
- A person was framed as a north Korean spy without no prove but he has been released recently, but the real truth behind?

Soeun, your story has the potential to be an exciting spy story - but u need to put in more effort to give more attention to detail, provide emotional moments and to include action sequences. 

DM2D


1. Nithin - (none provided)
A female physiotherapy intern was beaten and gang raped. She died from her injuries in thirteen days later while under going emergency treatment.
Nithin, you have a gift for writing interesting stories, but you need to learn to focus on the key character and his/her motive. what you've written is the event, with indication of a motive - key character wants to get married. act2 and act3 seems to be neglected... the end of your storyline seem to hang just before you can show her struggles to live to get married. and also, your story really needs a good closure.

2. Nell - http://nelantopina.wordpress.com
Patty Hearst defends herself in court – a victim abducted by a rogue guerrilla group forced and brainwashed into joining their cause.
storyline missing! and your 3Act is not quite right too... please see notes for 3Act on top of this blog page. thanks!

3.  Beatrice - www.beatradical.tumblr.com
A python, who has been swept away by a severe flood from her home by the riverbank, must escape from the Capital city Jakarta before she is killed or captured by the dangerous humans.
it's a nice story, except... i'm wondering if the snake had reached home or not? story needs a proper/emotional closure in your storyline... 

4. Chiabi - jchiabi.blogspot.com
A detective chanced upon a case of an unknown death that occurred at the Coffee Shop and he decides to solve the case.
i agree the article is very intriguing and a mystery... but your story has missing info & a few loopholes - private detective or police force? why is the detective so interested in this case? what is his motive - why does he want to solve the case when he's not getting paid for it? is this how a real detective work? (unless you're doing a spoof)... you'll need to tighten story and make it work better.

5. Kris - http://krisstoryscript.blogspot.sg

Joy has to escape from 6 men. (based on the rape news article, in india)
ok you've used the article to relate the whole event on screen. your storyline reads like an event. but whose story is this? who is the key character and what does she/he want? your challenge is to write the story suitable for the screen.

6. Blanche - sunsetfeather.tumblr.com

An 18-year-old Afghan refugee must get himself and his younger sister to safety when a typhoon threatens to sink the ship in dangerous waters.
nice, story has action and suspense. well done blanche! 

7. Eldon - http://e1donlim.blogspot.sg/
Brothers on the way home was hit back by a truck and passed on immediately.
Eldon, you are writing 2 different info/stories - the story in 3Act and your storyline do not match... ????? anyway, the adjustments you've made in the story is not too bad, except that you need to focus on the key character and his motive... tell the story from the key character's point of view and make sure the motive is clear to the audience.

8. Hui Cheng - http://iloveriders.blogspot.sg
A Taiwan television star, who has a kind and innocent daughter who’s in her teen. And was kidnapped on the way to school, which follow been abduction and torture and murder.
storyline sounds good. u can add more suspense/action written to make the screenplay more exciting for the audience, and to make Anna's struggle a lot bigger for the screen...

9. Ronnie - http://einnor88.blogspot.sg/
On November, 26th 2008, Hotel Oberoi Trident, were among the four locations targeted by the terrorist. The hostages of the hotel decide to struggle against the two terrorist to take back their own freedom in the 60 hour of terror.
Act2 seems to be lacking... this is the part where you build in suspense and tension in your story to make it more exciting, and to keep audience wanting to find out whether your key character will ever achieve her motive. 

10. Weng - http://wengsdeadlyfungasoids.wordpress.com
Joo Seung Won, an American-Korean Woman, searches for answers to her Grandmother’s past. why? perhaps she's compelled to do so as it's a personal request by her grandfather ... or maybe she's haunted by something hehehe... ?? so that's one part of your story that i find "missing". another area that needs further development is her struggle to find her grandma (act2) - needs to be further dramatized... 

and your storyline is missing...

11. Azim - http://manganeseazim.blogspot.sg/
A maid secretly being abused by an 11 year old child without raising the suspicion from anyone.
please use the template Azim. 
Azim, you've identified the key character but not established the motive... the motive is: Alan wants to make life difficult for the maid so that she will be sent away from his home.... ? your storyline is missing too.

12. Nadia - www.nadiazuhrah.tumblr.com
A Schizophrenic man believe he is a superhero saving innocent lives when in reality he murders them brutally
wow, Nadia! i really enjoyed reading your story! well done! :) i wish weng, nell, risky, azim & raymond had tried to squeeze the whole storyline into their 5min screenplay... of course, what they did for ex2 still worked. i'd like to post your storyline in my blog for all to read, i hope you don't mind (tell me if you do, thanks)

13. Kelly - www.script0920.blogspot.com
A young mother who is stuck in her house with her son after a landslide, in order to survive, she has to find a way out of the house.
nice! think your story works. challenge is now to presenting on screen to pull in your audience :)

14. Pro - http://road2story.tumblr.com/
News writers go to North Korea, get attacked, and need to escape from being eaten by cannibals.
synopsis: Carl Sander, an American article writer, goes to North Korea with his friend John Elfman. They plan on making an article that nobody has ever seen or known about this country between China and South Korea. During their stay, they get attack and kidnap into certain village. They are tied-up in the middle of the village. This village has only little population. The villagers are shouting at the man standing beside the tied-up foreigners. They are bidding for Carl and John. Is it for slavery? No. Is it to set them free? No. It’s so that they could own them and eat them up. Carl and John need to find a way to escape from this village and fast.
Pro - what happened? your work is incomplete, no 3Act or storyline... etc. ... story sounds interesting and has the potential for a screenplay...

15. Yiyu - http://qianyiyu.blogspot.sg/
A story is about how is a woman succeed in her career - A  ordinary woman finds a news in the newspaper occasionally, then she decisively takes out all his savings to set up a professional moving company, and she try many ways to develop her company. After she goes through the fail and the success, her company becomes more and more famous and she is succeed.
nice story Yiyu! but your 3Act is done incorrectly... eg motive of your key character is to start a business and earn a good living. act2 is all her struggles trying to achieve that motive. 

16. Raymond - rayofdespair.blogspot.com
Jensen and his unit, a sub-division of Commando, is put into action after a group of terrorist hijacks a plane and threatens the life of hostages on board.
nice! it did turn out to be an action-packed story even tho you tried to steer away from that. if you want more drama, you will need some time way up front of your story to develop the character, for audiences to get to know them (read nithin's story, link top of this page). btw the turning point is the point in the story where key character must make a decision such that the story steers according to the decision made... 

17. Rizky - http://donotenterthispage.wordpress.com
One night Mary found out her pet dog was killed by a psychopath and how she strives to survive from the terror of this psychopath.
we love how you presented your story in class! your writing seems a bit different O.o... remember it's all about how you tell your story (by telling us or by using a screenplay) and how you hook the audience to want to know what's gonna happen next :) 

18. Jia Ling - linng-scriptwritting.blogspot.com
sam was on his way home after drinking with his friend at the bar, the street was quiet and he is feeling dizzy, he saw the traffic turn orange and he speed up, never he know that because of his fololish he took away someone life because of this mistake.
your storyline is describing an event that happened. the motive is still not very clear and there seems to be no act2 where he struggles to achieve his motive... MOTIVE RESOLVED? (motive is to get home as fast as possible) Yes how about the part where he got caught?? Or did he turn himself in? the motive or 3Act may need adjustment in your story... 

19. Lay Zin - http://tinlayzin.blogspot.sg/
A 17-years old girl had been duped and trafficked because of the poverty.
your logline should be: a 17 year old girl, duped and trafficked to china as a bride, wants to escape from her kidnappers and return home. it's a great story Lay Zin! you've told it very well! 

20. Yosua - galleryosu.blogspot.sg
“A police rescue 89 children from the terrorist that jack the whole school.”
ok. your story has the potential for a police action screenplay... but you will need more time in your story to develop your key character - look at nithin's story (link at the top of this page) to see how he develops his character so that your audience can appreciate your story a lot more.